People usually know me for my jolly nature, not that I am blowing my own trumpet. What I have realized, since the day I have graduated and gotten into a job, I have some way lost the charm. Not that I didn’t try to give my 100% but because I constantly kept losing my confidence, motivation and reached a stage where I was constantly questioning my purpose.
As much I have always loved being extra responsible that came with a cheerful nature, I couldn’t maintain that balance on work. Jobs and office felt suffocating; there were times when I couldn’t stand their expectations and sometimes I would seek so much of perfection in my work that I would miss the deadlines. Sometimes I couldn’t stand the stupidity of the clients I was dealing with. Sometimes I felt bad about the fact that the company had faith in me even while I had lost hopes in myself. In some companies, I delivered more than what was asked for and still would leave them unsatisfied. But hey, life goes on right? With or without a job.
Most of the time I would come home tired, annoyed, fed up, bored, pitiful and so lifeless. The person with the loudest laughter, hardly smiled these days, avoided communication, eye-contacts, inbox in my social media. I just didn’t want to be in touch with anyone, didn’t want to hang out, felt alone in the crowd of known faces. Even if someone asked what was wrong with me I would answer with an ” I don’t know”. Because I really didn’t know at all. I kept switching jobs after jobs but the dissatisfaction followed every time.
The energy that I would start the job wouldn’t even have a trace left in me in a month or two. I kept digging my flaws it went deeper every time. Some days I would drown myself so deep, I felt like I was lost in an unknown land even in my home which was supposed to be my safe place. Days passed by and I had turned into a gloomy person. The expression on my place would look like a devastated piece of land after a cyclone.
Everyone I met was doing better in their life, every people I would see on the way had things to talk about, every cafe I entered would have happy couples. But me, in my melancholy, that I didn’t how to get out of it. Even the most valued friends stopped mattering.
They say good things come from unexpected places like there was some sort of conspiracy. Unexpected kindness, support, understandings and especially acceptation that’s what changed the game. With some people who made efforts to make sure that I was okay even though I would sometimes I forget replying their texts, sometimes I would fall asleep while they are waiting for a reply. The way these unexpected friends would fit me in their life, I realized that I was letting undeserving people in my life, who wouldn’t value my time and effort.
So, the lesson was loving back, being there for people who’ve been there for you and wonders will happen trust me. You get what you give, love for love, motivation for motivation, support for support if you don’t get these things then you’re giving it to the wrong people. As much as it is good to have a good social network it’s important to have people who have your back. Don’t take people who care for you for granted, be their source of motivation and see how your life changes.